Recently, I’ve noticed a lot of discussion about loneliness.

Do you ever feel alone?

I’ve felt alone in my motherhood.
my church
my family
my marriage
my class in school

Mama, you are not alone!

Truth be told, there are times I covet moments alone, especially after demanding days, interruptions from the kids, and noise from my phone. “Mom!”

My husband teases, that I’d like to echo the words of Susan MacClare in Downtown Abbey. She dramatically fantasizes about retreating from everyone, “Alooooooone in my ooooown hooooome!” To which the Marquess of Flintshire replies, “What a funny thing to say.” It’s not all that funny to me. 🙂

Although we tease about this version of “alone,” I sometimes long for a break from the hustle and bustle of relationships, communication, and people in general. In this quiet time, I can find peace and an inner calm and joy.

These moments can also be a time of rest and reflection.

They can also be a time of discussion with the Lord or meditation on His word. I long to have more of these times with Him.

This version of “alone” is a positive experience and a much-needed time for our hearts.

Loneliness

Another version of “alone” can sprout up in or lives – loneliness, and it can be overwhelming, hurtful, and truly defeating.

Loneliness is a negative experience of feeling alone.

Loneliness is not what God created and designed for our hearts.

God’s Design

God designed our hearts to feel beautiful feelings, like love, compassion, and joy. He also designed us for human connection and ultimately, fellowship with God, our Creator.

Each day God created, and He said, “It is good.”

And on the 6th day, He created His masterpiece, ‘man’ in the image of Himself. Then He stood back, reflected on all He had made, and declared it was very good!

“Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good. So the evening and the morning were the sixth day.”

Genesis 1:31 NKJV

The Conflict

But, Sin came into the world and corrupted His glorious creation. It’s immediate aftermath appearing as homicide between brothers.

This is the world where we now reside, and also where Jesus came to redeem us.

He is the firstborn of creation – the active agent that rules in this world and also makes all things new.

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

John 14:27 NKJV

“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Matthew 28:20 NIV

This is the truth that speaks out against the lies of loneliness. He made us for human connection. He made us to live at peace and to let brotherly love continue. Furthermore, He never leaves us.

Mama, you are not alone!

My Experience of Loneliness

I remember during my experience of post-partum depression, in my darkest moments, when my emotions were throbbing and almost all hope was lost, God was there. I would pray to Him even in these moments. I would yell at Him, upset that He would allow this darkness in my life, upset that His will was this.

Here I am, yelling at Him. Why? Because He was there. Though no one else was in the car beside me, He was there.

When I felt truly alone, He was there.

“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10, NIV

Though I feel alone, God is with me.

The Psalms have been a true haven for me when my emotions are running over. Reading the Psalms reminds me that I am not alone in my experience; David also wrestled with loneliness. Consider his words in Psalm 13.

So you may think, “Okay, I get it. God is always there with me. But what about my family, my spouse, my friends? They’re just not there for me!”

Or worse yet, “They’ve rejected me! They treat me like a disposable item!”

These moments are the worst!!! They are experienced way too often.

What do we do here? Where can we go?

I have a couple thoughts from my experience.

First Thought: Reach Out

When I have felt the “shun” from someone in my life, I have found that reaching out to someone else helps me.

For example, when family members have rejected me, I’ve reach out to my girlfriends for companionship. Though the rejection is “huge,” think an eleven on a scale of one to ten, the fellowship with a group of moms at a Mops night can really help.

It helps. It does not fully heal. But it helps.

Side Note: Improvement is a step in the right direction; A step towards healing. I truly believe we need to take a step. As I’ve gone through life, I’m learning that my beliefs and my actions are built upon small steps and habits. I did not grow up thinking this way. I had more of a perfectionistic tendency, and with that comes the “doomsday, all is horrible” swing of the pendulum. That pendulum is not a healthy way to live life. Conclusion: Just take the next right step.

Second Thought: Do Something for Someone Else

Another step I can take when I feel alone is to choose action. I can do something for someone else.

Sometimes this looks like doing the dishes (helping my family be prepared for our next meal) or fixing a meal for somebody (a new mom at home with her newborn baby, a friend recovering from surgery). This can also look like creating a card or drawing for a friend, buying flowers for my co-worker, writing a letter or e-mail to an old friend from long ago, or checking in on a neighbor.

These action points are steps. Take a small one. Then another one. Then another one.

Moreover, we can’t fix big problems in one quick fix or even all on our own, but we can improve.

Again, these action points help. These do not fully heal, but they help.

Additional Side Note: The two thoughts I’ve given will help you take a step in the right direction. The path towards true healing is a path that may involve more than reaching out or doing something for someone else. This path may require extended conversations or counseling; A safe place to share your story and express some of the anger, hurt, and/or resentment. These emotions need to be processed. Know that you are not alone in feeling this way! Choose to get help if you need more healing.

Rejection is Real

We will be rejected at one point or another in our lives. But rejection doesn’t have to remake our lives.

What we believe about this rejection is very important. We can choose to believe what is true in these very hard moments.

I’m learning that some rejection isn’t about “me” at all. It is actually a belief in the other person’s heart that is being projected into our relationship.

As they say, hurt people hurt people.

It is also critical to remain pliable and recognize any patterns or behaviors in our own lives that are potentially derailing, harmful, and breaking down our relationships. What we may perceive as rejection, could actually be a defensive stance.

The more times I can see truth in a situation, the better my heart will work through and navigate rejection and loneliness.

Will I consider that this person is actually hurting in their own hearts, and it’s being projected onto me?

Can I see the truth that I am really not alone at all? God is with me.

Will I believe that though I can’t find fellowship with her, I can find it over here with them?

What is My Part in Loneliness?

I think loneliness can be a symptom of that fallen nature we wrestle with taking root in our hearts. Maybe the feeling of loneliness is just in our soul, and we’re not reading life very well. I can recount plenty of times where I’m in a bad “head space.” Dwelling there can detract me from the truth of Christ.

Also, some people can cause their loneliness by derailing relationships. Am I pushing away truth and others? How am I communicating to those around me? Do I seek to love my brother as I love myself; with kindness and gentleness?

Lastly, Jesus gave us the church – a brand new communion of saints where unity and cohesion can exists among those who are different; Jew & Gentile. This is a powerful place to find a community and a family of faith. Am I showing up and being an active part in my local church family?

Conclusion

God designed us for community.

Step into that design. Reach out to someone. It doesn’t have to be a meal or an invitation to your home, but it can be a smile and “good to see you,” or a conversation at a volleyball game.

Take a step today. Wherever you are. If you’re feeling lonely and sad, take one step towards the light. God is with you, and He loves you. He designed you for community. Reach out.

Keep walking friend!
Christina

P.S. This delicate song below is a beautiful reminder of the peace Christ gives us. Take a listen. You’ll be glad you did!