18 Lessons Learned in 18 Years of Marriage

This September Tim and I celebrated 18 years of marriage! I thought I would list 18 of the many lessons I’ve learned over our time as “one.” Some of these lessons took longer to learn than others, and I am still learning many of them.

They are in no particular order of importance or time. I’m feel so grateful for this man that I’ve married and grown more in love with each year. I look forward to the many years ahead, Tim!

  1. Be on each other’s team. I am for him. He is for me. No matter what the disagreement or hardship we face together, we are rooting for each other through it.
  2. Bringing two individuals together onto the same page is HARD work! I was surprised at how hard it was; maybe I was blinded by love in our dating & engagement or just plain naïve to life. No matter which, I had to get to work and learn how to become one in our life together.
  3. Sex is meant to be intimate, bonding, and fun! I have learned to find joy in this intimacy God designed in marriage and to find a closeness with my husband that can’t be found any other way.
  4. “Having kids” doesn’t solve problems. The ‘problems’ that are in a marriage relationship will continue to be problems until they are dealt with head on. Don’t hide them behind events and kids and puppies and new cars, etc.
  5. Learn his love language, then try to speak this language each day.
  6. Flirt, kiss, and/or hug every day. Even if it’s only for moments here and there (life gets way too busy!). Make it happen.
  7. Dress up for my spouse. Cologne, perfume, earrings, hair gel, showers; these elements say “I love you.”
  8. Come together as parents when it comes to any decisions or habits with your kids. The kids need to know that mom and dad are on the same team. See lesson #1.
  9. Watch sitcoms/movies together. Watch something funny! This creates excellent inside jokes to ‘play at’ throughout the week. During the crazy mask-wearing of the Covid season, Tim would often cover up his nose and mouth and say in Bane’s voice, “No one knew who I was ‘til I put on the mask.” That made me smile every time! Adding humor to our day makes life bearable in the weighty moments.
  10. Don’t run to mom and dad with my marriage problems. This lesson took me many years to learn, and I regret the mistakes I made. In my experience, involving your folks could create unsettled feelings and murky waters in your marriage relationship and/or between hubby and parents. I should have worked out my problems with Tim alone or with him and mentors or counselors.
  11. Don’t keep a tally list. He did that, so I need to catch up and do this. I did all this; when is he going to do his part? These attitudes are degrading and plain selfish.
  12. Communicate, communicate, communicate! This should have been #1. Communication is the key to any relationship, especially the marriage relationship. We’ve learned to use texts and phone calls during the day when Tim’s away at work. We try to talk in person each day, though it can be hard during the busy weeks. We use our walk to catch up on the events and handle any schedule points or decisions that are “in the making.”
  13. Go on dates together! Go on casual dates, fancy dates, ‘fill-up-the-gas-can’ dates, and ‘we’re-having-a-baby’ dates. Be intentional and make it happen.
  14. I’ve learned to talk well of my spouse when at a gathering. The folks at these gatherings don’t often meet my husband, so their picture of him will be the one that I create. Whoa! What a responsibility. I hope to create a well-deserved and genuine picture by speaking well of him.
  15. Be a believer! Believe he will accomplish the goals. Believe he will response well. Believe he will help you and love you. Believe the best for him, especially when he’s having a hard time believing good things about himself. We all can give the gift of hope when we believe the best about each other. This goes for our kids as well!
  16. Embrace what’s different. It’s what I fell in love with in the first place. Yes, he was the “best-looking” guy on campus. Yes, he made me laugh (big win!). But, the ways he was different than myself were the parts I loved most about him. After we were married I forgot this. I began to push back when we were different, instead of embracing the differences. I then realized that I was hurting us (and myself) when I hurt him. I needed to embrace and lean into the aspects of who he is and what he does that are ‘different’ than myself. Those aspects are awesome, and they make our marriage great!
  17. Share. I don’t need to be afraid to let him know my deepest thoughts, vulnerabilities, and hurts. He can know them, and he can comfort me. I can share my happy moments with him, for I know he will be happy for me. I can share my little thoughts and big thoughts, my hopes and dreams, my fears and insecurities. He is my best friend on this earth. God has blessed the marriage relationship with this feature; Utilize it!
  18. Lesson #18 comes from Tim himself (and I heartily agree). It’s OK if he wins. It’s OK if she wins. When my spouse wins, we win!

To Know and to be known. That is marriage. Christ describes His relationship with His church as a marriage. What an honor to be part of a relationship so highly esteemed by the Almighty God! He designed it. He instituted it. He sustains it. May I continue to learn the lessons and become more like Him in my relationship with my husband.

What lessons have you learned in your marriage relationship? Please comment below. I’d love to hear your story.

Keep walking friend,

Christina

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